Guess who is finally returning to the PWBL?

The answer, of course, is one of our intrepid reporters, none other than Cool Whip. Long presumed dead, he recently contacted the league with a new exclusive player interview. You can find it below, for your reading pleasure.

Como estan bitches? Your boy Cool Whip is back from his unintentionally drawn out Mexican vacation, mostly intact, and with a brand new identity (by the way if anyone asks, im Ready Whip now). Let me tell you, you think the after effects of Chipotle are bad, just try having a balloon full of coke explode in your lower intestine while Miguel is grilling you about if you cracked for the Federales. Oh and that reminds me, Pete your cousin says, “Hola.” But let’s get down to business. It’s not my newly enlarged colon you’re all here for (DiGioia excluded), it’s my new scoop. And I’ve been back in Los Estados Unidos just long enough to get one for ya. And as all things do, it starts with a decades old question that has burned in the hearts of men.

“Where’s the beef?”

Everyone remembers the Wendy’s ad campaign from the 90’s. And apparently we have found the answer. It’s the PWBL. Let’s face it, this league is a sausage fest. Aside from the Teen Disney extras that Maniscalco occasionally flaunts around, and Tony Gunz’s wife, who is apparently running the PWBL daycare in left field, there is not another female presence in this league. Now that it has gone on for far too long and has gotten way out of hand, President Obama himself has finally decided to act, declaring it a national disaster, and has asked this intrepid reporter to find the top men in the country to remedy the situation. Luckily I had to look no further than within the League’s own ranks to find an expert on raking in the ladies, and so I sought out this Yoda-like pimp, both to help alleviate the overflowing testosterone levels at FSK on Sundays, and for an exclusive interview.

I tracked our subject down at Liberty’s – a regular haunt for him, where after honing his beer pong skills he deftly swooped in and picked up BOTH chicks that Tim Trenary and Dakota Kenny were trying to take home. Apparently their plastic game is better than their actual game, not that that should be surprising, given the number of inflatable toys Trenary owns. Yeah, the “lady raft’ is your daughter’s pool toy. Sure it is, Trenary.  But I digress, we have a real man to get to. Today’s featured PWBLer is none other than T.J. Beninati.

Known throughout the league for his sweet swing, top notch trash talking, and all around love for the game, this up and comer is the future of the PWBL. He at first seemed wary of my approach, clearly preparing one of his famous verbal beat downs in the event I was attempting to procure one of his lady friends from his company.  But when he saw me whip it out (my note pad you fairies, don’t get excited yet,) he eased up and recognized me for the ruggedly handsome beat writer known throughout the League for my player features. He excused himself from the ladies and told me I had two minutes, so I fired as quickly as possible (now why is this starting to sound like my Friday nights?)

Anyway, with a limited time frame, I had to start off with the question everyone is dying to know. “So T.J., when is the PWBL going to see you playing in an official capacity? You’ve been at most of the Royal’s games the past two years before bringing your talents to the Athletics organization. Any inside scoop on when they will be bringing you up?” He was clearly prepared for this question, but it still was obvious to this reporter that he was not happy about the answer. “Truth is I shoulda been up last year. You put my bat in the Royals lineup and my gun on the mound last season and it would be me holding up that silver bucket and not those three stooges on the Giants.“

I dug deeper.

“And yet you never logged an official game. What’s the deal? Rumor had it that was due to salary arbitration and not wanting you to be free agent eligible for other teams” “You want to know what the deal is? It’s fear. The Old Man didn’t want me coming up and embarrassing him. I tell him all the time how many more homeruns than him I’m hitting down in the minors, but that stuff is amateur hour. He doesn’t want me to show him up.” When I inquired why “The Old Man” would be worried about that, the reply was quick. “Because he knows once I get up in this league it’s game over, man. First I take the team over from him. Then the pizza place. Next thing he knows he’s in a retirement home, refreshing palisadeswbl.com every two minutes to see if there are any new videos of “his” old ballclub.  Telling other adult diaper wearing has-beens about ‘the glory days’.”

Having discussed his presence with the League, I needed to get down to the real business before my time was up. “T.J., the real reason I am here is the, uh, ratio problem going on with the League. There are just way too many dudes there on game day and I wanted to ask the expert how we can get some more lady-fans to show.” He half smirked, turned around, snapped his fingers at the girls, and put on his jacket to leave. “Don’t you worry, when I get up in this league soon, you’ll have to put up higher fences to keep all the ladies out. Now I’ve been more than generous giving you my time here. Tell the League they are on notice. I’m about to take that shit over.” He proceeded to stroll out of the bar, one lady on each arm, while Trenary and Kenny drank themselves into a stupor, resigning themselves to yet another night of bromance as the ladies slipped away.

So there it is, uh, gentlemen and gentlemen. The inside scoop on one T.J. Beninati. Get ready for the next big thing in wiffleball, because you’ve all been put on notice.

A Press Release from Chris Danner’s Camp

The Palisades WBL recently received the following press release from the PR people working for Mr. Danner:

“There have been numerous rumors circulating recently regarding the return of Palisades WBL Legend Pete Montanez. The most recent of these placed Mr. Montanez in a Core with our client. We would like to publicly state that this is completely and totally false. While there was some passing interest early in the offseason, Mr. Danner’s agent doesn’t even speak spanish, so talks were never able to begin. There were also concerns over Mr. Montanez’s inability to provide a valid Birth Certificate, after serious doubts arose to his claim that he is only “18″ years old. This was further verified by resident league expert Joey Maniscalco, who said ‘There’s no way that guy is 18. Trust me, I know an 18 year old when I see one, and there’s no way hes only four years older than my girlfriend.’

While we cannot speak to Mr. Montanez’s future status within the Wiffleball community, we felt it necessary to set the record straight for the fans and owners in the league. That said however, the joint venture of Mr. Danner and Mr. Montanez’s YARPI (or Yoga And Rape Prevention Institute) has been wildly successful, and they are currently seeking investors for anyone interested. Please contact the league for more details.”

10 Burning Questions for the 2012 Offseason

1. Does the Core-2 system last more than a season?

At the start of the 2012 season, the Palisades WBL will see its first implementation of Core-2 system. The Core-2 system alters the way teams are forming in 2012, and has caused a spirited debate about the merits and shortcomings of the new system. But regardless of your stance on the new system, the real burning question here is, will it last? It has been no secret that in five short seasons the League has gone through four different formats for team formation, and while each seems to have refined the process and made the league more competitive, one has to wonder when a lasting system will be settled on.

Each season may give a new perspective on how to tweak a system for the better, but to give the League solidarity and continuity, it needs to pick a system, whatever that may be, and stick with it. Is this finally the one?

2. Should the Giants/Mets get the 1st overall pick if Puls and Dooly core?

Speaking of how team formation is changing with the Core-2 system, one of the major points of contention is draft position. By placing no restriction on Core format, you can see any combination of pitchers and hitters in a Core-2. As it currently stands, all dual-pitcher cores will draft last, behind single and no-pitcher cores, respectively. However, the reigning PWBL Champs seem to have found a loophole in the system, looking to form the 2012 Mets core with batting champ Rob Pulsonetti, and defensive standout Kris Dooly. The obvious plan here is to then get the first overall pick in the draft and pick up staff ace Rich Guillod.

The problem with this, is that this also gives the reigning champs the first pick in all of the subsequent rounds as well. Can the league turn a blind eye to this sort of draft shenanigans? True, the Mets risk not having the first overall pick and someone else picking up Guillod, but would anyone risk Guillod not giving 100% for a team he doesn’t want to be on? With all of the commotion this offseason, the Mets are considered the third or fourth best core going into next season, but we have to remember, they did win it all last year with just these three guys on the field in the World Series. Is it fair to allow the 2011 Champs to get even better with the first pick in the second and third rounds of the draft? Or will two non-pitcher cores step up and squash the plans for the first Mets team to be relevant since 2000?

3. Will we get 10 teams this year? And if so, will they all be competitive?

10 teams. That was what commissioner Bevelacqua said in the offseason. He is a man on a mission, tirelessly working to reach his goal. Expansion is ever on the mind of the PWBL, and with a nine team season last year, 10 teams seems like an easy step to take for 2012. However, early in the offseason there are only four officially declared teams, and despite rumblings of up to five other teams, none have officially stepped forward and put pen to paper to announce their franchise. With the Core-2 system changing how teams are forming, are more players reluctant to core-up? Or is this just another case of the slow start to the next season that we often encounter?

In any event, the important question is not whether we can get 10 teams, but whether we can field 10 competitive teams. Many of the “premier” players from 2011 have already declared allegiance to a Core, so will the remaining members of the PWBL be willing to step up and take a gamble on finding a stud rookie arm or bat in the draft?

4. When will the rules finally start being applied?

Every year the rules get tweaked bit by bit to accommodate situations from previous seasons, and Commissioner Bevelacqua has worked hard to ensure that most of these situations are now covered. But, despite a rulebook being issued each season, and players being instructed to become familiar with all the rules, it’s still a stretch that more than 10% of the league could enforce the rules with authority. And with the retirement of Pete Montanez and the status of Matt Hollbrook currently unknown, we could lose two of the rule book aficionados the League has come to rely upon in the past.

If a batter swings but the ball hits them in the hands is it a foul ball? Will the “a pitcher must have X number of balls to pitch for every game” ever be enforced? I know both of these situations played heavily into last season, and could do so even more this year.

5. How will the new field effect the game?

The WoLF, FSK, or however you want to refer to it, the beloved and storied field that was home to the PWBL for five seasons now, is no longer the home of PWBL. Yes, it’s okay to cry, this one time.

Due to extenuating circumstances beyond the League’s control, the PWBL will be moving to a new home in 2012, playing at the fields at Cottage Lane just a few miles away. The real question here is, how are these new digs going to effect the 2012 season? A lot of hard work and maintenance was put into FSK over the years and it turned into an ideal wiffle arena.

The fields at Cottage Lane will sport dual fields each week, both without a single tree within 50 yards of the fields. How will the wind wreak havoc on the pitchers this season? Will this turn out to be the wiffleball equivalent of New Yankee Stadium, with homers leaving the park at alarming rates? Such a prospect may at first be daunting, but were this to happen, would the emphasis switch to the power hitting teams in the league over the dominant pitching ones? We won’t know for sure until the season starts, but Cottage Lane could very well be the most influential player of the season.

6. How are the rookies coming in this year? Can they possibly outdo last year’s?

Trenary. Bevilacqua. Schaefer. Robles. Guillod. Pulsonetti. This time last year these guys were a bunch of unknowns. There were questions about whether rookies could hit the elite pitching of the league, and then Pulsonetti takes the batting title. There were questions about whether rookies could anchor a pitching staff, and Trenary gave Dakota a run for his money at the Cy Young, setting what is sure to be an unbreakable strikeout record. There were questions about whether rookies could be all around studs in the league, and Bevilacqua wins Rookie of the Year. Bevilacqua was also in the running for MVP, and don’t look now, but of those upstart Giants that won it all? All rookies. And those other new guys? Yeah, they’re not too bad either.

With a crop of rookies that instantaneously made the leap from questionable talent to elite status, can the 2012 rookies possibly compete? Can they even come close? Expectations are sure to be much higher for rookies this year, and will that lead to more pressure, and consequently more meltdowns? With Core-2′s forming the way they are, a rookie class that can immediately come in and be game changers will be essential to making the teams at the top of the draft competitive World Series contenders.

Can they do it?!

7. Will commissioner Bevelacqua ever win a championship?

After five seasons of steering the League’s ship, pouring hours upon hours of his time into the PWBL, Commissioner Bevelacqua is the architect of one of the premier wiffleball leagues in the country. And yet the success is bittersweet, as he has yet to hoist the prize of prizes, the coveted Silver Bucket overhead at the end of a season in grand victory.

Each and every year he has fielded a competitive team, never failing to make the playoffs, and yet he has fallen short each time. No longer an overpowering hurler, Bevelacqua has refined his pitching, and knows that ground outs count just as much as strikeouts. As such, he has added defensive all-star Eric Lanks as his right-hand man in forming the 2012 Dodgers, knowing that every ball the sure-handed Lanks fields is going to record an out. With more talent than ever before in the League, and what looks to be a promising draft position going into 2012, will the Commish finally put together a squad that will bring home the big one?

8. What is the status of the Gallo brothers? And will any team take a chance on them?

7-0. Just two seasons ago, Joe Gallo went undefeated in the PWBL, and looked to be a force for the 2011 Astros, having two MVP’s providing his offense, and a prodigy in training in younger brother Nick providing his backup on the mound. But then suddenly, the 2011 Astros fell apart, Joe went back to school, and Nick’s attendance was questionable each week.

With significantly lower pitching and hitting stats than his phenomenal 2010 season, and attendance being a major question mark, will anyone take a risk on either Gallo brother? Perhaps a team with two arms looking to get a few starts mid-season to rest their starters, knowing they may not have the brothers Gallo come the playoffs? Or perhaps a team willing to gamble on a long shot might take a chance on one or both, hoping that last season has left them with a chip on their shoulders. The Gallos are one of the most interesting player cases of 2012, as both have shown the potential to be difference makers, but are the ultimate high-risk/high-reward types of players

But who is willing to take that gamble?

9. Is Pete Montanez actually retired?

Tiger and Elin. Kobe and Vanessa. Montanez and the Blue Jays. It seems these days that no high-profile sports power couples can stay together. After a post-season run that many didn’t expect out of the Jays, and coming up just short in one of the most epic World Series to date, Montanez shocked the wiffleball world by announcing his retirement from the PWBL. But despite the out-of-left-field announcement, few people in the league have reacted, as the general consensus is that Montanez will be back in some capacity before the 2012 season is over. The man himself even mentioned toying with the notion of returning mid-season through the waiver process to help out a struggling team, but the real question is, how long can he hold out once the plastic itch comes back in spring?

If, as he claims, he will be showing up to the field to watch some of the games, will it really be possible for him to resist the calling? As one of the most storied players in PWBL history, Montanez could easily turn around the fortunes of a struggling team mid-season. It seems unlikely that any team could pass up the opportunity to claim him if the time should come. I’m sure the future Hall of Famer’s status will be monitored closely by all the teams in the league as the 2012 season nears and begins, because Montanez might just be the key to turn a good team into a World Series contender come October.

10. When will fantasy wiffleball finally start?

Let’s be honest, from September to February, there is essentially only one sport that consumes the minds of America every Sunday, and that’s football. And from September to January, every other day of the week is also consumed with football, of the fantasy variety. Fantasy sports are one of the largest and fastest growing forms of entertainment, and thanks to major sports websites like ESPN, people are able to make entire careers out of fantasy sports.

So the last burning question is, when will we see a fantasy incarnation of the sport that consumes the minds of America from April to October: Palisades WBL. There are so many possibilities, how can we not? Should we give part of the winnings to the winner of the fantasy league? Who will be the first PWBL Pete Rose? If you play, do you have to draft yourself (someone get some NFL players on the line, they must know this stuff works.) Whatever the case may be, it’s about time we saw fantasy wiffleball in all our lives. Because maybe it will help make that strikeout just a little less painful when you know the guy who struck you out is also on your fantasy team.